I guess it began sometime in high school. I gained some weight and became really uncomfortable in my body. I wanted to be thinner, I wanted to feel at ease in myself, and I wanted the insecurity I felt deep inside to go away.

I used food even then, as early as I can remember. I would binge to deal with my emotions and things that a high school-er deals with. Parental expectations, peer pressure, wanting to fit in, and any situation that came up that I didn’t know to handle.

On a whim, I decided to buy diet pills and lose weight for the upcoming school prom. I lost about 25 pounds in 2 months and everyone complimented me on how great I looked.

And so began the diet pill addiction, the binging and dieting cycle, and the spiral down into the depths of an eating disorder.

As I began to live a life more true to myself, being more active, spending more time outside, and pursuing my passions, the weight has fallen away, gradually and naturally. The days of focusing my entire life on food, weight, and my body are long gone. Those debilitating, obsessive thoughts aren’t the central part of my life as it was before.

When I look back at my journey to where I am now, one thing I know for sure is that an eating disorder is a spiritual journey. Each step of the way allowed me to become more authentic in who I truly am. I had to let go of perfectionism, of thinking I wasn’t good enough, of suppressing my heart’s desires (and learn what a “heart’s desire” even meant).

I had to release society’s expectations and of following a life path I didn’t want. In addition to being free from the binge/restrict cycle, the food/weight obsession, and the battle to lose weight. I learned how to be myself, listen to my body, follow my intuition, and live an authentic life in the process.